He Controls the Power

He cradles it tight, but not too tight in his semi-open palm. The stiff seven and a half inch rod is floating just slightly above his thighs at his crotch.

This member controls his every thought and feeling. Gently, he caresses the top.  His fingertips tenderly stroke the surface looking for the sweet spot of gratification – any pressure can stop or start the intense bliss exploding in his brain.

It is the source of all his power.  He has complete control over his own being and supremacy over his wife’s desires.

With a mere touch, he elicits joy-pain-sorrow-ecstasy. One move brings either searing rapture or interminable boredom.

This elongated miracle is best brought to life with two hands, however one will do with a pinch.

Although it is there – exposed for all to see, he is more than reluctant to let anyone handle it. Only with the threat of force, will he relinquish it to a woman let alone another man to fondle.

However, when he is faced with the utmost of confusion, he finds letting someone else with deft fingers rip it from his grasp. This too is a good thing.

The plastic black strangely curvaceously shaped Surewest television remote control with way too many buttons is Lonnie’s favorite plaything.  The only exception is the garage full of woodworking tools.  But, if you compare hours of intense use…the remote wins out every time.

“I control the power,” he says in his commanding no-shit voice.  It is simply in his DNA.  He truly believes that a woman, child or another man in our living room is incapable of making the correct choice of TV/Cable viewing.

My favorite buttons on the forbidden remote are the Mute and Off.  His are all.

We (mostly he) made a pact when he first retired. It was not to turn on the TV during the daytime.  Mostly because I have a home office and just couldn’t work with the mindless din in the background.  But, he also wanted to make sure he accomplished “stuff” during the day instead of wasting it in front of the boob tube.  There is one exception to the rule…he watches the closing stock market report  usually while having his lunch. Depending on the day’s events of ups and downs and bulls or bears, he is either smiling or frowning for a while after it is over.  That and the San Francisco Giants and/or 49’ers provide plenty of dramatic action here in this house.

He has an innate ability to know when you are approaching the remote or attempting to extract it from his grasp.  Even when he is asleep, the remote poised and pointed, cannot be taken without an abrupt awaking and admonishment. “Hey…I was watching that!” he bellows as his clench closes in.  It is ungraspable. An alive death grip.

He is the only guy I know that can watch a day long marathon of How Its Made (ok, I know the pact…but when it is raining outside-he can’t garden!) and still keep interested.

He admonishes Daisy the delightful purring kitten to the floor when the remote is in play.

When I was fussing once about the one-sided remote rule, a friend suggested we get another.

“Are you CRAZY?” was all Lonnie had to offer in that conversation.

Case closed. Power on. Channels surfed. HDTV secure. Life is good!